Before I left school for the summer, I made a promise to myself that I was on the verge of breaking until now. I had fallen into a dark place spring semester, and I hadn’t been to the gym, I hadn’t done yoga, and I hadn’t been myself since the semester before. I lost weight and fell to the lowest I’ve been since before high school. I made a promise to myself that over the summer, I would commit to all three meals a day (yes, even breakfast), I would resume my daily workouts, and I would start yoga again. When I made this promise to myself, my mother was still alive; someone I envisioned myself doing these things with. When she passed, I lost all motivation to better myself, and my yoga mat kept its place at the back of my closet. My mother and I had many things, but yoga was one of the most important that I shared with her, as she was the one who introduced me, and was the reason I fell in love with it.
I’ve been telling myself that before this summer is over, I need to fulfill my promise to myself, that I need to stop using my mother’s passing as an excuse, because she was worth so much more than that, and she would want me to continue to complete my goals in life–that’s just the kind of person she was. I also knew that getting back into my routine, and starting up yoga again would allow a smoother grieving process. Yoga is powerful in that way, especially for me.
Up until last night, I was entertaining a possible relationship with a man that I just recently realized is wrong for me. Even at two years older than me, he lacked a maturity that I found I needed from someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. Although, he made me learn a lot about myself, he couldn’t be there for me in the way I needed him to be. He was great at speaking sweet nothings, but that’s all they really were. He made me question myself, my appearance, my feelings, and my own way of thinking. I’ve always had self-esteem issues, but I envisioned being in a relationship with someone, was about being with someone who loved, or eventually would love, you for who you were. Someone who thought you were beautiful exactly the way you were, and never made you question if you were deserving of love. And really, all I’ve ever wanted is to reciprocate that kind of love. But I began to look in the mirror and dislike what I saw more than I had before I’d met him. We had been coasting for about 6 months, and the topic of an actual committed relationship never came to head unless I was the one bringing it up. Even at that, conversations were avoided, questions were deflected, and I began to ask myself why I wasn’t enough for him to commit to. I began to question my own self worth more than I ever had.
Yesterday, something in me finally clicked, something that hadn’t in a while. I realized who the fuck I was, and who I had forgotten I was striving to be. For the longest time, I hadn’t remembered that the most important opinion of yourself, should be from yourself, and that you cannot expect someone to love you, if don’t learn to fall in love with yourself. I had been thinking about this for quite sometime, but I ultimately decided that I needed to leave him behind to be able to take myself forward.
Even though my mind was made up, and I was going to break it off, a part of me still wanted to see if he would say anything that could possibly change that. A part of me still wanted to know if he truly saw a future with me. This was the same part of me that couldn’t help but remember the good that a happened in the last 6 months. But even at that, I still couldn’t ignore the bad, because it wasn’t something any healthy relationship, especially one that had never been established, could or should entertain. Not one that I wanted to be in, at least. After awhile of senseless conversation, and him avoiding the true issue at hand, I understood that he wasn’t going to say anything that would change my mind, even if he knew the true depth of what was on it, or the decision I had come to (he didn’t). It was almost as if him not saying anything, told me what I really needed to hear. I hung up on him mid-sentence, moped about it for a bit, and then began drafting what I’m now calling my goodbye letter. I won’t say what I put in it, but Lord was it long.
I sent it, deleted his number, every picture of us on my phone, and unfollowed him on all social media. As sad as this may sound, as soon as I accomplished all of this, it’s like this weight was lifted off of my chest. I felt freer than I had in a very long time, and I smiled.
I put on some music, and literally sang and danced around my room. I got the random urge to re-organize, so I ended up cleaning my room. Sometime during the process of putting everything back into my closet, I glanced at the yoga mat I still hadn’t touched. Something in me finally made me bring it out. I laid it down, found a 20 minute yoga instruction, and belatedly began the fulfillment of the promise I had made to myself a little over two months ago.
At the beginning of the instruction, the video instructor asked me to commit to an intention for the session, and at the end, they asked me to return my focus to that purpose.
My intention was to find, manifest, and believe in a better me. To tell myself I’m beautiful even when I feel ugly, to smile even when I feel sad, to write even when I feel uninspired, and to keep pushing forward even when I feel I can’t go any further. To keep promises to myself, because I deserve kept promises. To appreciate myself for all that I’m worth, and to never settle for anyone who treats me less than my immeasurable value. This summer, my objective to myself was to do what was best for me, and the people I love, and now, even though I still have a lot to rewrite and rebuild, I feel as if I’m on my way to accomplishing that.
I took a deep breath, exhaled, and said a silent “Namaste”. I thanked my mom, and I thanked myself, for giving me the strength to remove toxicity from my life, and to refocus my intention.
Today marks exactly two months since I lost my best friend, my rock: my mom. It also marks the day that I decided I deserved better than how I was being treated, and how I was treating myself. I want to be unconditionally loved for my authentic self, and I want to strive for being the best version of myself that I can be. Even though that will take quite some time, I’ve found that that’s worth the wait.
I’ve found that I’m worth the wait.
Sending my love,