Refocusing My Intention

Refocusing My Intention

Before I left school for the summer, I made a promise to myself that I was on the verge of breaking until now. I had fallen into a dark place spring semester, and I hadn’t been to the gym, I hadn’t done yoga, and I hadn’t been myself since the semester before. I lost weight and fell to the lowest I’ve been since before high school. I made a promise to myself that over the summer, I would commit to all three meals a day (yes, even breakfast), I would resume my daily workouts, and I would start yoga again. When I made this promise to myself, my mother was still alive; someone I envisioned myself doing these things with. When she passed, I lost all motivation to better myself, and my yoga mat kept its place at the back of my closet. My mother and I had many things, but yoga was one of the most important that I shared with her, as she was the one who introduced me, and was the reason I fell in love with it.

I’ve been telling myself that before this summer is over, I need to fulfill my promise to myself, that I need to stop using my mother’s passing as an excuse, because she was worth so much more than that, and she would want me to continue to complete my goals in life–that’s just the kind of person she was. I also knew that getting back into my routine, and starting up yoga again would allow a smoother grieving process. Yoga is powerful in that way, especially for me.

Up until last night, I was entertaining a possible relationship with a man that I just recently realized is wrong for me. Even at two years older than me, he lacked a maturity that I found I needed from someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. Although, he made me learn a lot about myself, he couldn’t be there for me in the way I needed him to be. He was great at speaking sweet nothings, but that’s all they really were. He made me question myself, my appearance, my feelings, and my own way of thinking. I’ve always had self-esteem issues, but I envisioned being in a relationship with someone, was about being with someone who loved, or eventually would love, you for who you were. Someone who thought you were beautiful exactly the way you were, and never made you question if you were deserving of love. And really, all I’ve ever wanted is to reciprocate that kind of love. But I began to look in the mirror and dislike what I saw more than I had before I’d met him. We had been coasting for about 6 months, and the topic of an actual committed relationship never came to head unless I was the one bringing it up. Even at that, conversations were avoided, questions were deflected, and I began to ask myself why I wasn’t enough for him to commit to. I began to question my own self worth more than I ever had.

Yesterday, something in me finally clicked, something that hadn’t in a while. I realized who the fuck I was, and who I had forgotten I was striving to be. For the longest time, I hadn’t remembered that the most important opinion of yourself, should be from yourself, and that you cannot expect someone to love you, if don’t learn to fall in love with yourself. I had been thinking about this for quite sometime, but I ultimately decided that I needed to leave him behind to be able to take myself forward.

Even though my mind was made up, and I was going to break it off, a part of me still wanted to see if he would say anything that could possibly change that. A part of me still wanted to know if he truly saw a future with me. This was the same part of me that couldn’t help but remember the good that a happened in the last 6 months. But even at that, I still couldn’t ignore the bad, because it wasn’t something any healthy relationship, especially one that had never been established, could or should entertain. Not one that I wanted to be in, at least. After awhile of senseless conversation, and him avoiding the true issue at hand, I understood that he wasn’t going to say anything that would change my mind, even if he knew the true depth of what was on it, or the decision I had come to (he didn’t). It was almost as if him not saying anything, told me what I really needed to hear. I hung up on him mid-sentence, moped about it for a bit, and then began drafting what I’m now calling my goodbye letter. I won’t say what I put in it, but Lord was it long.

I sent it, deleted his number, every picture of us on my phone, and unfollowed him on all social media. As sad as this may sound, as soon as I accomplished all of this, it’s like this weight was lifted off of my chest. I felt freer than I had in a very long time, and I smiled.

I put on some music, and literally sang and danced around my room. I got the random urge to re-organize, so I ended up cleaning my room. Sometime during the process of putting everything back into my closet, I glanced at the yoga mat I still hadn’t touched. Something in me finally made me bring it out. I laid it down, found a 20 minute yoga instruction, and belatedly began the fulfillment of the promise I had made to myself a little over two months ago.

At the beginning of the instruction, the video instructor asked me to commit to an intention for the session, and at the end, they asked me to return my focus to that purpose.

My intention was to find, manifest, and believe in a better me. To tell myself I’m beautiful even when I feel ugly, to smile even when I feel sad, to write even when I feel uninspired, and to keep pushing forward even when I feel I can’t go any further. To keep promises to myself, because I deserve kept promises. To appreciate myself for all that I’m worth, and to never settle for anyone who treats me less than my immeasurable value. This summer, my objective to myself was to do what was best for me, and the people I love, and now, even though I still have a lot to rewrite and rebuild, I feel as if I’m on my way to accomplishing that.

I took a deep breath, exhaled, and said a silent “Namaste”. I thanked my mom, and I thanked myself, for giving me the strength to remove toxicity from my life, and to refocus my intention.

Today marks exactly two months since I lost my best friend, my rock: my mom. It also marks the day that I decided I deserved better than how I was being treated, and how I was treating myself. I want to be unconditionally loved for my authentic self, and I want to strive for being the best version of myself that I can be. Even though that will take quite some time, I’ve found that that’s worth the wait.

I’ve found that I’m worth the wait.

Sending my love,

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23 thoughts on “Refocusing My Intention

  1. Thanks for the great post! πŸ™‚ Those sudden enlightment / break through moments are the best. It’s hard to make such serious choice in life but when it’s done, nothing compares to the amazing feeling you have. I’m proud of you for being brave. πŸ™‚

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  2. Hey! Absolutely enjoyed reading this. It was such a delight to hear how you managed to stand up again after experiencing such a huge loss. I feel like I can relate as I lost three family members within two years and it definitely put a my life on hold for a while, not being able to concentrate on my studies and such. This post was beautiful and it made me feel less lonely. Here’s to hoping you continue on this path and may it be filled with happiness and love, including the love you have for yourself! πŸ™‚

    Warmest regards,
    Ash

    Liked by 1 person

  3. wow , love love love the title. ive definitely been here. Im glad you did realize who you were and stepped into a more positive place! My mom also passed away and words cannot explain how tough that it. Its a fight everyday, but keep your thoughts in positive places and keep pressing on. posts/writing like this help where you can express your feelings which im sure helps. This was beautiful, keep writing!

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  4. What a thoughtful post! I am so very sorry for your loss, and admire how you seem to handle it. Thank you for sharing, I truly enjoyed this insight. Also, good for you for breaking off something that obviously wasn’t working out. All the best!!!

    Kathrin — mycupofenglishtea.wordpress.com

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  5. A very touching post, I’m so sorry for you very difficult and heartbreaking past months. Your mum will drive you to be stronger and I think this is why you ended a toxic relationship .. no one deserves to feel they need to contort in a partnership, you should be enough being you.. blessings to you, your journey and enjoying your yoga to help you heal and stay close to your mum .. this is your special place πŸ’—πŸ’—

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  6. this is an amazing post! I can relate to the feelings that you had/have and how all of sudden reality of what your intentions/goals are hits you. I’m a firm believer of doing whatever makes you happy and sticking to you guns – Keep up the good work : )

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey lovely, I just have to say this post connected with me on a totally different level. It was so beautiful and inspiring and something I could relate too. I lost my best friend (mum) too, just over a year ago now and I haven’t found the strength to write about it. I am only just starting to find a path again and this post has reminded me not to give up on myself or pull myself down but to strive forward and keep going. Thanks for sharing 😘 Xx

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  8. Wow!!!
    What a post! The first thing I did after I read this was tell my mom I loved her before she went to bed. I’m glad you know your worth and decided to move on. By doing this, you allow the chance for someone far more worthy to enter your life when the time is right. Women are always so hard on their bodies. It’s rather frustrating, but we can focus on being healthy and strong instead of starving ourselves. I skipped breakfast one morning just because ” I ran out of time” (I blogged about this) and I felt SO miserable! It takes time getting used to like most things.

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  9. I loved reading this. It reminded me of what I’v been going through these past year. I hadn’t lost my mother, but I was trying to put myself out there relation wise and wasn’t working out. After a while I realised that I really didn’t want to focus on romance and really wanted to focus on my work and myself. It’s been alot more rewarding than trying to get the attention of some guy and being desappointed. Just keep for your goals and everything will feel fine.

    sosadventurestill.wordpress.com

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  10. You are a phenomenal writer! Your posts are so beautiful and they make me think of the things in my life that I can personally improve on! You ARE worth it and I’m happy that you’re getting back on the right track to the right state of mind!

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  11. I literally have goosebumps. This post not only showed me your strive but really inspired me remove the negative things, thoughts and feelings in my life! This is amazing, I want to thank you for sharing this, you are strong and beautiful! Do whatever makes you happy, you deserve it truly.

    With Love,
    Ela x.

    Liked by 1 person

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